The Mommin’ Game


If parenting were some sort of cruel contest in which parents were assigned points according to adequate performance and also penalized for bonehead moves, my recent scorecard would look like this:

  1. We could not, I repeat could not, find clean underwear for our 3-year-old daughter this morning.  MINUS 1  In desperation we dumped out a basket overflowing with clean laundry on the dining table… so we could search through the contents.  Still no underwear.  We didn’t put the rest of the laundry away; we just stuffed it all back in the basket.  MINUS 1  Finally I put on a load of worn underwear to wash, and while it was washing, she had to wear her pants without underwear.  MINUS 600 (?)  Maybe my disorganization is due to the fact that we’re moving at the end of this week and so my house is full of boxes.  Or maybe life at our house is always like this.  PLUS .05
  2. You know how sometimes you let the baby play with something dangerous because it makes her happy and distracts her so that you can get something else done?  Well, maybe you don’t do that, but I do.  MINUS 1  Anyhow, last night I was working on (you guessed it) the laundry and I let the baby hold one of those handy-dandy new detergent packs (which I love because they squash my desire to add too much detergent to the load) even though the package specifically warns that babies and young children should never be allowed to play with said detergent packs.  I was transferring clothes from the washer to the drier when there was a pop! and a scream and I turned around to see the baby’s face covered, I mean coated, with gooey white super-soap.  Her little eyes blinked at me in terror from a white canvas.  MINUS 1,000  I screamed for my husband to come; he and I struggled for a moment over who should carry the baby to the bathroom; once in the bathroom he held her over the bathtub while I repeatedly doused her eyes with a warm washcloth.  In the meantime, she spit out a piece of the plastic that holds a laundry pack together — evidently she had bit into the pack, causing it to burst.  My husband continued with the rinsing while I read the package directions:  In case product is swallowed or comes in contact with eyes, rinse continuously for 15 minutes and contact poison control center or a doctor immediately.  I assigned my husband to making the phone call to My Sister the Physician while I climbed into the shower with the baby.  I repeatedly filled a cup with clean water and doused her head.  She screamed and struggled for all 15 minutes in the shower, but I didn’t relent, for her own good — because by golly I might’ve almost killed her, but I was gonna be the one to save her, too.  PLUS 200  This morning her left eye was a little puffy, and a little goopy, but she seems to have her sight still.  Phew.
  3. On the bright side, I think I can conclude with 98% certainty that our oldest is allergic to chewable multivitamins.  This is strange, because he isn’t sensitive to anything else as near as we know, so I have been testing my theory for two years now.  The first time we bought him his own vitamins (because he requested them) was in 2014.  He started on a nightly regiment of chewing a daily dose of Flintstone-shaped goodness.  Soon after he started on vitamins, he also developed a dry rash on his left cheek, near the corner of his mouth, which spread to a red ring around his entire mouth.  It wasn’t a huge thing, just a little dry redness.  I thought and thought about what in his environment had changed and proceeded to switch out several foods in his diet.  Finally it occurred to me that we had introduced vitamins; we stopped with the vitamins, the rash went away, and we forgot about it.  Then, about a year ago, he saw a commercial on TV and was convinced, again, that he needed to be taking vitamins.  (Because the commercials just make them look so darn delicious and necessary.)  We still had the same bottle, so we tried them again.  Sure enough, the rash showed up.  We stopped the vitamins.  Then, recently, he wanted to try again — clearly too many commercials for this kid.  This time I bought a new bottle of vitamins.  Guess what?  The rash came back.  For those of you who thought I didn’t have it in me based on my high school science grades, I would like to announce that I have completed a scientific experiment:  After repeated testing and documenting of results, my theory that my son is allergic to or at least sensitive to at least two brands of multivitamins has been proven.  Thank you very much.  PLUS 1  So… use of kids’ multivitamins has been discontinued in our house.  And you know what?  I’m not convinced kids need vitamins anyhow.  Maybe I will just give them fruit snacks at bedtime instead and pretend they’re vitamins.  MINUS 50

That’s enough for now.

© Tami Blake

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