First of all, don’t you just love my new cap? Shout out to my buddies the Grosskopfs at Buckaroo Businesses. (Hi, Scott! I knew you before you were famous… and before my toes were permanently damaged by frostbite!)
Now, on to the meat of the matter: my creepy prescription sunglasses. Here’s the story. In recent years, as I’ve aged, my eyesight has gone the tiniest bit near-sighted. I’ve had a pair of wire-rim eyeglasses for a few years now, which do improve my sight if I’m looking long distances or trying to read something on the TV screen. The trouble is, I am also very sensitive to sunlight, so it has been a dilemma for me in recent years: do I wear my eyeglasses outside so I can see better… or do I wear my shades and hide from the sun?
Then. This. Happened. I got a new pair of prescription sunglasses, and the outdoors came alive for me again! Suddenly I could tell that the blurs on distant ridges were actually pine trees. I could see cows out in the pasture. I found it appropriate to drive more than 40 miles per hour. And when I was walking, I realized just how close I’ve always been to the ground.
These prescription sunglasses of mine are so comfortable and I can see so much better with them on that I’ve taken to wearing them everywhere. So this is where the creepy part comes in.
When I go into stores, I keep my sunglasses on. Squinting at the vast selection in Wal-Mart had become overwhelming for me in my Life Before the Glasses… but now I whiz through the store spotting exactly what I need and slam-dunking it into my cart.
When I’m driving in the dark, I keep my sunglasses on. For the first couple weeks I wavered with indecision: were the sunglasses making the dark uncomfortably darker, or was the darkity-dark-dark outweighed by the sharp focus of the environment beyond the windshield? Finally I decided that the clarity of my view outweighed the weirdness.
In social situations, I keep my sunglasses on. Because they are all the better to see you with, my dear. Which isn’t creepy at all, right? Maybe you’re like me — I used to be creeped out by folks who wore sunglasses indoors. Now I know better. I promise you, my eyes are not planning grisly murders behind the murky shades; it’s just that I can see so much better. Also that I’m starting to feel a bit naked without them.
When watching TV, I keep my sunglasses on. Because we’ve become accustomed to watching television with the subtitles on — so we can keep the volume lower in a house full of supposed-to-be-sleeping kids — watching TV is also a reading event at our house. And to read those words from my perch in the glider, I definitely need my glasses.
So why don’t I wear my regular glasses indoors? First, because my sunglasses are much more comfortable. Second, because who has the energy to switch between regular glasses and sunglasses several times daily?
You might be thinking that transition lenses would suit me perfectly. You know, the kind that you see advertised everywhere — the lenses lighten when you’re indoors and darken when you’re out in the sun. Now those really creep my out. I have always felt uncomfortable when encountered by somebody wearing transition lenses in half-light, when the lenses take on that disturbing half-gray or half-brown tone. It makes me feel like I’m lost in some sort of 1970s twilight zone. Am I awake? Am I sleeping? Is it day? Is it night? Where’s the hitman? I, for one, do not want to make anybody have to ask those questions. My husband actually had a pair of transition lenses early in our marriage and I avoided him so thoroughly (when I wasn’t making fun of him) that he stopped wearing them.
O! the vanity of the young. Here I am, in my 30s, with my own eyesight betraying me, and I see now that transition lenses are probably a practical solution to the situations I’ve described above. My perspective has broadened, my view of the world made more realistic… with the help of my prescription sunglasses.
The question is this: are transition lenses any more creepy than a person wearing sunglasses 24 hours a day? All I know is this: at a recent (indoor) funeral at which I wore my sunnies so I could see the slideshow, a friend commented that the sunglasses lent a certain rock star effect to my ensemble.
I could definitely see myself as a rock star. As a 1970s hitman? No. As a rock star? Yes.
Prescription sunglasses it is, then. If you see me somewhere with my sunnies on, don’t let it make you uncomfortable. Just remember I’m a rock star… and that I’m doing what rock stars do.
© Tami Blake