Bring out the Hellmann’s


This is the sort of thing one discovers when one marries someone from the other end of the world:

First of all, I, a bred and born Montanan, am a Miracle Whip kind of gal.  My husband Beau, a bred and born Southerner, is a mayonnaise kind of guy.  I discovered early on in our marriage that condiments like Miracle Whip and common ketchup are hurtful and offensive to Southerners, who lift their noses in disdain at such sweet stuff and reach instead for a bottle of hot pepper vinegar or worcestershire or mustard or something sophisticated like that.

Suffice it to say we buy both mayonnaise and Miracle Whip at our house; no big deal.  And since he is a bit of a food snob genetically, you can bet we ain’t using store-brand mayonnaise at this outfit.

For the first several years of our marriage, he searched the grocery stores here in Montana for a quality brand from back home called Hellmann’s.  And he was continually frustrated by his inability to locate Hellmann’s.  What is a Southern gentleman to do when said gentleman is stranded in the Frozen North without quality mayonnaise?

Then, one day, he heard me singing this little ditty:  “Bring out the Best Foods, and bring out the best!”  (Because here in the West we use Best Foods mayonnaise, right?)

Beau said, “It’s bring out the Hellmann’s.  Bring out the Hellmann’s, and bring out the best!”

We grabbed a jar of Best Foods in wonder.   And by golly, there in tiny print on the back of the jar, the label reads:  “Known as Hellmann’s east of the Rockies.”

So:  Best Foods mayonnaise and Hellmann’s mayonnaise are one and the same; you just call it by a different name depending on where you’re from.  Happily, we have been able to apply this lesson to so many topics in our marriage.

(Disclaimer:  We do live east of the Rockies here in Ingomar, but I’m guessing our grocery stores in Montana are stocked by West Coast distributors.  Which would be why we have Best Foods mayonnaise here instead of Hellmann’s.  Although:  Once in a blue moon we will find a jar of Hellmann’s on the shelf in a random grocery store.  Things that make you go hmmmmm, right?)

© Tami Blake

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